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An Unexpected Response

Mallory Hagan

I am overwhelmed by the amount of texts, messages and emails I have received in the last fifteen hours or so. I can’t even begin to describe how encouraging it is to know that, not only am I not alone, but I am in good company. Several women from the Miss America Organization have reached out- from former Miss Americas to past and current title holders. I’ve also heard from teenagers, former NFL cheerleaders, moms and several people I have never met. Quotes like: 

“I FEEL YOU! I still don’t know what the hell I want to do with my life, or what career I want to pursue. Life before (insert MAO title) seemed so “solid” and now it’s so uncertain.”

“Just read your blog. As someone in therapy for issues developed during my (insert MAO title) experience, I got incredibly emotional hearing how someone as brave and strong as you got hurt.”

“I’m on the verge of tears reading your blog- and the only reason i’m not crying is because I am emotionless. I did not know I wasn’t alone.”

“If you replaced ‘Miss America’ in your blog with ‘NFL Cheerleader,’ I could have written it myself. You’ll never stop wanting to be ‘perfect.'” 

….four out of hundreds. 

Apparently this is not something I am facing alone. I’m not sure if it’s that I am surrounded by young women who, like me, have gone out and, ultimately, achieved the goal that they were hoping for, but man is it humbling to know that we are all, on some level, in the same boat. Now….let’s all get to shore and get the hell out. Then throw a party!  Being this miserable on a daily basis is something I’m just not used to. Maybe I was before and just didn’t notice due to the ridiculous nature of my life and schedule? I mean…when, in my life, have I EVER had this much time to sit down and think? Never. Many of you have said that this is a “time for rest,” but how does someone who does not know how to rest….rest? And…I HAVE BEEN RESTING! These past six months have been one, long, “what am I going to do today?” The answer is usually food, Netflix and wine. Gross.

My daily emotions vary in such a way that it’s actually quite comical. Okay, not really, but still… I woke up generally happy, excited for the day and looking forward to the gym. I dropped off my Mom at the airport and suddenly I was in the depths of sadness again. It’s easy to feel better and put on a brave face when your biggest fan and most honest critic is propping you up for a few days. I do realize that many of my feelings stem from the fact that I just moved to a new place. Most of them, however, stem from a lack of purpose. The last five years of my life were spent working toward and reaching for a goal. Now what? 

I moved to LA with a contract at William Morris Endeavors. The “goal” is to become a national face/personality on television, but honestly, where does one start?  In order to get there I have to pick a “niche”…am I a beauty/fashion expert? (meh..possibly) Pop culture? (…..#Kimye) Fitness? (ha!) Food? (nah) Politics? (snooze) What? What am I? Because…to this industry…I have to be something. I have to pick the road I want to travel and, at this point, that feels daunting. Who wants to put themselves in a category? Certainly not me. The original idea was to write a book. And say what? Why can’t I just be Mallory-the-all-encompassing? Because that. doesn’t. get your foot in the door. 

Soooooo i’m ready for this journey. I’m hoping that all of this writing will lead me to where I’m supposed to be and help me figure out the next step. I had a great workout today and I look forward to a kick-ass morning with my trainer tomorrow, too. I’ll be taking BMI, measurements, weight and pictures (this isnt so much for “weight loss” as it is accountability). This is gettin’ real, ya’ll. In addition, i’m going to read the first chapter of Artison Soul and begin discussion here. For those of you who do not have a relationship with God, I think that this book is more of a way of thinking as it pertains to crafting your future, rather than living in your past. I would like to move on from my past. *waves* I hope you’ll pick up a copy at at Barnes and Noble or on Amazon. Also- we have a French lesson. Oui!  I feel more productive just writing about it! 

I love your feedback in the comments section. Thanks for caring and for sharing.